the day i woke was a day too late...

Today, I finally realised that I actually love my job. Despite all my complaints about being sian, that my colleagues suck (not all anyway), that no one ever respects me or gives me things to do, that I always get backstabbed. I finally realised that I really like what I'm doing.

I wanted to, and almost really did, break into tears.

Monday (28/6):

The new girl Felicia (Fel for short), came to replace Aunty Lena who resigned. She is really funky and we hit off instantly. She should have came earlier and save me from my boredom and from the one I can never see eye to eye with. Had to teach her the ropes and guide her along. I surprised myself with my extensive product knowledge and the understanding of the whole company system. :)

The accounts dept gave me a lunch treat at some Chinese eatery near our office. Dumplings and "xiao long pao" and noodles. My lunch-time khakis when I'm not out for sales appointments. Felt rather honoured and somehow "indebted".


Tuesday (29/6):

Gave everyone (office, admin and production) Betty Crockers cookies packed in plastic cups and wrapped with aluminium foil. Everyone said it was great and I could steal business from Famous Amos and Mrs Fields. Then Uncle Sam added " Not nice to eat must also say nice...". Gave each of them a hand written note too! Felt really nice and fuzzy after the whole incident. Forgot to take photo though.


Wednesday (30/6):

Went to work alone today, Marcus the store keeper waved to me on his bike at the entrance, quite rare since we only met. Aunty Yvonne waited for me to go to office together. Got a mini fan from Fel as a gesture of thanks for my "guidance and help" (haha!). Uncle Sam started calling me "da jie" the whole day. Aunty Chin Hong gave me chocolates and a glass-like paper weight for helping her from her pre to post-maternaty leave period. Very touched by her gesture coz she is not earning very much. Aunty Pauline gave a hand-made door-sign. Super touched too, since she made it during my absence at lunch-break today. With so many things to hand over and lots of price lists to create, Bryan the IT expert offered to help me print, cut and laminate all 200 plus pages of them, and helped me arrange them in order as well. He relieved me of such a big burden that I am eternally grateful. As I sayed overtime to finish my stuff, one by one, they all came to shake my hand and bid me farewell. Some told me to come back to visit, others to wish me all the best. Samson even called later in the evening just to chat about KTV. Forgot to take photo again!

I guess I was too picky and mean too. How can life be miserable when people are so nice to you? With such a build-up of events, is it impossible not to feel sad?

so many many many things!

I think I have to stop blogging for a while. I find that I cannot write effectively and my writing style sucks big time.

Anyway, with regard to the many many many things that I am supposed to have, it is this: my Penang trip, my NTU medical checkup and hostel payment, my X-ray after the checkup, the matriculation for school and confirmation of hostel, the buying of hostel rubbish, the piano exams, the orientations, the "follow-up" I might have to do after I quit work yada yada.

Lots of things! I take back my words that I don't have a fruitful life. My braincells are still rotting though...

:)

Monetary Woes

Ok... so it not as bad as what I make it out to be. But, OCBC lost quite a few cheques, of which are some for payment of NTU hostel application. And guess what, mine is one of them.

Here's the catch. I have to pay (according to my mom) $30 to cancel my cheque and re-issue another one. OCBC would, of course, reimburse the payment IF I could produce proof of payment. Like huh? I thought the proof was LOST?

Here's the best part: My cheque payment is supposed to be $15.75.

Let me teach you P-R-I-V-A-C-Y

As the title suggests, Ms Teo is gonna teach you to respect other people's privacy and at the same time, respect yourself. Let me begin by saying "Don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you."

Having said that, let me stress that other people's belongings, especially lap-tops with vital and confidential information should be left alone, even if the person just left her desk for a while. It is WRONG to probe and pry into other people's personal belongings and if they have it "passworded" it obviously means NO ENTRY.

Let me give you a real life example to re-illustrate my point. A nice and pleasant girl was working on her lap-top, typing a report and evaluation on the company and her experiences working there (she had to do so because she is resigning end of the month). Since it involved writing about her colleagues, it was top secret and only meant for the eyes of those at the top. Unwittingly, she left her comp un-passworded, and left her department to check on some details. In a span of 5 minutes, her colleague went to her desk, sat down and started using(or snooping around) her comp. The poor girl didn't know what hit her because when she returned to her desk, she found that colleague engaging in a conversation (it might have been a real one or just a cover to hide his indecent act) with another colleague. No one in the department told her (maybe they were all in cahoots), until one of the bosses told her that she saw the girl's personal stuff being pried into.

Lesson one: If you want to snoop into my things, get ready to be condemned on the (gasp!) World Wide Web.

Lesson two: If you want to snoop into your boss's daughter's or future boss's private belongings, please get ready to find a new job or get a LOT of demerit points deducted from your account.

Lesson three: If that person happens to be writing a report about you, pray hard. VERY hard.

Lesson four: Always password your comp. I've set mine to 3 minutes auto password.

Snooping is bad... I don't try to pry into people's private stuff, so don't pry into mine. Unless, of course, you don't want to continue your family line (for guys) and if you want to be disfigured for life (for women).

Sorry if I sound evil and if it sounds extreme. I just can't take it lying down. I'm pissed. DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF YOU MORON. FREAK OFF.

Music soothes the savage beast

I have so many songs I want to recommend. Of which, is an album by this new and up-coming band F.I.R.

Their songs are different, its in the melody, the way it transposes up and down the relative major and minor keys, to the subdominant and dominant keys. The modulation is unique and special, and the whole tune sounds rather heavenly.

Lyrics aside, those about love and heart-break, I think theirs' is a rather pleasant breakthrough. The lyrics are not too mushy and a little tough-y. Quite my kind of taste.

The female lead singer's voice is really classic. Its not powerful like Celine Dion's or soulful like Jay Chou or breathy like many other chinese pop singers. Her's is sort of a mixture of all but I cannot really define it. Lets just say her voice quality and the way she sings the songs... I felt really touched and fuzzy inside when I heard it.

Oh, did I add that F.I.R wrote most of the songs in the album themselves?

My recommendations are "Fly Away", "Lydia" and "wo men de ai". Plus go and listen to the piano rendition of "Lydia". It is beautiful. Don't believe me? Go to www.boxup.com to hear free music clippings.

I guarantee you will be as touched as I have been.

Self reflection

When I try to recall any meaningful or fruitful thing that I've done all this long holiday, my mind draws a blank.

Ok, save passing driving (and a second attempt at that), what else have I done?

Work, and even so, I don't have any zest. My colleagues say I look like I'm gonna fall asleep at meetings. Rah.

Piano, and while I'm at that, I might as well add that my piano teacher thinks I could do with more practice. Ok, I lied. Much more practice.

Exercise? That was a thing of the past. How I always promised myself to try and get in shape, then the sickening P-word stops me and makes me put it off till another day. Then I start making more magnificent promises to myself, after which, I break, without much guilt or remorse.

Eat and sleep and shop and spend all my money away. Yes, that seems like the only thing I ever do nowadays. And I don't give a heck. Oh, I forgot to add, surfing net and TV. My sofa has my butt shape permanently embedded on the polyester.

Karen called yesterday and shared her joy at breaking past her 63sec barrier for 400m. When was the last time I felt such satisfaction and joy too? When did my life degenerated into that of a beast, living each day as it is, without any aims or goals, except to fill one's stomach. How have I become a useless living thing, without any senses or a mind of my own. What is happening to me.

My heart bleeds. I want to have a good cry and start all over again. But I suspect that after my tears flow, I will still be my new, lazy, slacking self, and not my old, responsible being. Being cynical sure has its flaws, especially when you start becoming cynical with yourself.

Lonely....

Guess what. Its already 9.10am in the morning and I am the only one sitting here in the sales dept now. Work officially starts at 8.30am.

S is sick, not the virus-sick kind of sick, but with a swollen foot, or so he claims. Took MC yesterday and today, and is gonna be on leave on Monday and Tuesday. And I thought I was the only one who really knew how to slack. L, the genius who criticised my English (and incidentally is the one who writes "Others Service" in formal letters) has vapourised into thin air. It must the the oxygen at her side of the island, she falls sick easily or has to go for exams. Yes, at 39, she is trying to upgrade herself, which is impressive, but sadly it does not really reflect on higher education. SS is going to be late for work because his car just contracted a fever and it'll be another hour at least before it subsides. Talk about timing.

So here I am all alone, free to do whatever I want but feeling like a tiny little island surrounded by vastness. Wait a minute, that sounds like Singapore. I wonder if she feels lonely too.

Lastly, names of the colleagues are to protect the individuals' dignity and prevent me from getting defamation suits.

New blogskin and a whole lot of new thoughts

I just changed my blogskin on impulse. Impulse being, after seeing so many people changing their blogskins, I thought its time to shed mine too. Yep... Hope its a refreshing and nice difference. Change promises that all the time.

Anyway, Siying and Mandy came to stay over yesterday while we conspired June's belated birthday prank. We watched my birthday prank last year as well (they videoed it and put it to tape but due to technical fault, there was no sound), the one where I was accused of stealing, doing badly for tests and condemned. Classic, and I turned red to see the overly emotional side of myself. But as I watched, I thought to myself, "I'm so lucky to have such good friends."

We made rings for the 4 of us (Sy, Man, June and Me), engraving the 4 chinese words "zhu peng gou you" on everyone of them. It was supposed to signify our friendship and all the funny and silly moments together I think. I thought it was something to constantly remind me I am loved. I wanted to get all my other groups of friends to do the same too, but I think it would then lose it's stature and the significance would be diluted. Have to think of some other creative ideas for my other friends.

To my other friends, I have not forgotten you at all. You all have a special place in my heart.

DHS 2A class gang: Chloe, Violet, Enxin, Joan...
DHS 4D class gang: Weiling, Rouwan, Liwei...
DHS Track gang: Szeyen, Angeline, Kaiwei, Lorraine, Dawn, Adel, Mingen, Joyce, Szeling, Zhenhao, Lorna
MSisters: You know who you are
VJ Trackers: Karen, Nelle....
VJ crossers Yiying, Jane, Aiyun, Sab etc


and many others that I may have forgotten to add in this spurt of the moment. Thanks for being there always.

Sometimes,
It is not that I want to be snoopy.
Or secretive.
Or sneaky.
But do I have a choice?
I don't want to lie.
But I cannot tell the truth.
I m sworn to secrecy.
And bonded by blood.
Yet the job has to be done.
My assignment must go on.
Even if I have to snoop.
And think of ways to get it completed.
When I have to probe.
And pry.
And bluff my way through.
Sometimes,
Its not that I want to be snoopy.
If I can, I rather be garfield.

Sometimes I feel like I cannot straighten out my thoughts. Its all in a messy tangle and I don't know where to start.

I often wonder what makes people tick. Wha keeps them going and what drives them to continue whatever they are doing. Money? Fame? Power? I prefer to think of it as passion, but then again, you can always have a passion for money, passion for fame, passion for power. Is it determination then, to see something through? To taste the bitter-sweetness after all the toil and slog? If I were still living in my niave, oh-so-perfect fantasy, I would believe so. Sorry to say, that bubble has been burst. Money and lots of other desires are slowly englufing me. And now I am sure that money is what many people live for; for without it, there are some who will cease to exist.

Maybe the reason why I am so confused is because I have toyed with this feeling only now. Like a dragonfly skimming over a brand new pond - something so familiar yet not the same. Lke there will be someone who will be out there for me, yet when I look around, I am all alone.

I think I have lost my drive, and enthusiam. My rationalty and emotions. I don't feel like the old Huijing I was last time. The one who single-mindedly pursued her goals and ambition, the one who revolved her life around her dreams and aspirations. I do it for the money now, and even so, I am never satisfied, when I would once upon a time, bask in eternal satisfaction at shaving 2 seconds off my PB.

Time waits for no one. Not even if time is on your side.

I just tendered my letter of resignation. I'm going to leave work on the 30th June. Penang is most prob on 1st July so I guess I'm ok.

I need a break. I need to recuperate. I need help before I get insane, and bankrupt too since now shopping has now been elevated to the status of "theraphy".

Bleah.

Blogging in the early morning... haha... at the rate I am going, I think I can just flood my blog.

Anyway, I DROVE at ECP yesterday! Haha.. beat that!

I am still in the exhilaration I never experienced for a long tme. But the people around me just have to dampen my mood.

My saviour! My answer to ultimate relief and total satisfaction. My oasis under the unrelentless working conditions.

I connected my laptop to the network system at work... so I can experience the thrill of blogging, messaging and mailing my friends all in office air-con comfort.

Yeah baby!

I yearn for it. For the cool liquid to slide effortlessly down my parched throat, for it to warm up face. A rosy crimson red. For bitterness to wash away the pain and hurt. For toxic to cleanse the toxins. For the heaviness that will start to set in, for the burdened mind to forget the sinking heart. For concussion and darkness to take over the real world.

I was this close. I don't know when I can escape again.

I think I'm depressed, coz I get these violent moodswings all the time, I tear so easily now, I get worked up over nothing. But I don't know what is causing the so called depression. I don't know.

I'll end with 2 quotes I heard during the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" with Joan today.

"Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders."

"How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot: Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned"

Clouds. One of my current faves at the moment.

First there is this cloud I call "Scales". I see it mostly in the morning at the office conference room, spreading its reach across the horizon. If I stretch my arms out sideways, I can embrace the continuous oval patterns in the sky. It reminds me of the scales of a fish, and is really beautiful when the sun bathes it golden red and orange. Rather like a red dragon in the sky.

On bright and hot days, "Threads" can be seen. They are just little wisps of white fluff, the sky maiden's lock of hair (I would think her hair is naturally white and not due to age). Like tendrills of smoke, they appear and vanish as the wind comes and goes. When the wind ceases, "Threads" float aimlessly, slowing winding up their lives and into oblivion.

"Thise" is a combination of thick and dense clouds. The kind that bombards the sky, holding the supreme reign, filling every part of the sky. They are the big bully, with them around, you cannot see any other clouds. Yet, they do not bring rain, the just make the sky dirty white or light grey. When you are lucky, "Thise" will part her lips and let sunshine filter through, to lighten up the Earth and make us gaze in wonder at the rays of sunlight penetrating, like good over-coming evil, like "sunshine after the rain", only there is no rain.

However, "Omen" is the gloomy cousin of "Thise". He is the angry one, always bellowing and flashing his eyes in rage, just to let everyone know he is here. With him around, darkness falls, people scurry for solace and furious drops of water hurl themselves to the ground.

I like "Cotten" best, not "Cotton", but "Cotten". He billows in the breeze, transforming into various shapes and carton characters. One moment a ship, the next, a pig and then Mickey Mouse! He is so pretty, like huge balls of cotton wool superglued together, white and pure and full of innocence. He makes me want to just lie down and admire him, a stark contrast with the clear blue sky. Sometimes, "Cotten" looks like hair styling foam instead of cotton, piled up and looking so precarious at the top. If I could, I would fall backwards into "Cotten" and sink into a misty white dream, with the vapour swirling around me as I close my eyes and immerse myself in his softness.

Being the emotional and "feeling" human being that I am, I feel the need to give these clouds nicknames. At least I didn't name them "Stratus-baby" or "Cumunolonibus-y". So go ahead and laugh.

Vesak Day. For free-thinkers like me, what best than to go out shopping with fellow free thinkers right? WRONG.

Scene: Waiting for Violet at Orchard MRT. Receives message that she would be late, so decides to wander around. Found myself outside this magnificent BodyShop.

Me(thinks): "Hmmm, I could do with some facial wash or scrub. Mine is finishing soon and there is a SALE."

Walks in happily and sees this Tea Tree Facial Scrub.

Me: (without thinking) BUY!!!
Cashier: $19.90 please
Me: (did not hear at all) OK.

Walks out still rather happily till I see this sign outside
" 3-XX June $9.90... 67% discount" with a picture of the very same product I bought.

Me: BANG!

Note: Its 2 June today.

****


Scene: Outside Orchard MRT still waiting for Violet

Short woman: "Want to buy Andersen's ice-cream coupons?"

Me: "Huh?"

Short woman: "30% of it goes to charity, and you can get discount off Andersen's ice cream in Compass Point and PS."

Me(thinking): "Where is Compass Point ar?"

Short woman: "Its only $5..."

Me(still sore from the Bodyshop incident): "Erm... I think not. No thanks!"

Short woman(gives me the "I can't understand why you don't want to help the less fortunate" look): "WHY?!? They have no families and parents. You should try to help them if you can..."

Me: "Aiyah.. ok lar.. ok lar.."


******


Then I proceeded to buy 3 sports bras at Robinsons for $35. A long long queue at the fitting room. You know, these are like more "ulu" brands so you won't really know what size you are. So I decided to just place the stupid fabric in front of my chest instead of trying it on. Bad move. Tried at home and its... well... a size to small? I'm not very big in the first place, but S size is really under-estimating my capabilities. Hur-hur. I can only take consolation that its lycra and rather elastic. It'll loosen up after time. I hope I can breathe meanwhile.

Then, went on to buy 2 ear-studs (purple and orange), of which, the orange one, in my Mom's opinion, looks like a pimple on my ear. Great... like I don't have enough of such eruptions on my face and back.

Bought a pair of jeans which looked cool, but its super hot and stuffy at my legs. Hey, my leg-pores need some oxygen too you know... And speaking of which, I need not have bought that pair of jeans. I already have 3 pairs at home, all bought within the span of 6 months. I almost bought another pair, luckily they didn't have my size.

Also bought Betty Crockers Cookie Mix. Planning to bake cookies for them as my farewell gift when I leave the company. The crux of the issue is that I will only be leaving next month. I just knew that planning ahead was one of my strong points... haha.

I spent more than 15% of my monthy income in a single day!

And after the whole incident, I still thought to myself, "Tomorrow go and buy somemore of the BodyShop Tea Tree stuff so that you can spread out your loss incurred today"

Wow. How rational.

" Yes sir."

"Ok..."

"Orh..."

"Huh?"

"..."

"Ok!"

"Mmmm"

"Hmmmmmmm"

30 mins and a string of incomprehensive, monosyllabic remarks later, I PASSED my driving! Meaning, I can actually drive, provided there is this 4 wheel thing called "the car" for me to drive in.

As I told my friends, I can only afford an accelerator pedal.

Anyhow, that was the highlight of an otherwise boring and uneventful day.